Thoughts, Gripes and Plenty of Ramblin'

Yesterday afternoon, I received the following text message from my friend Dave (the Snook Report):

You just got pwned on my blog

Dave was referencing an ongoing conversation we’ve had for a very long time about the funniness or lack thereof when it comes to Mr. Will Ferrell. This topic seems to always lead to Dave espousing his views on the non-hilarity of Will and somehow always ends up in a discussion about Judd Apatow.

As you may have guessed, Dave is not a fan of Judd’s either. He says his comedy is worse than the lowest common denominator, in fact it is completely devoid of any cerebral activity.

On Dave’s website yesterday, he made his case for why Will Ferrell is not funny. I encourage you to read it, but I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes version:

Will’s films don’t do well at the box office therefore he is not funny.

Obviously two things are up for discussion here: What does doing well at the box office entail and how does one prove what or whom is funny?

I would first like to say that Dave used the Top 4 Grossing Comedies of all time as his frame of reference (why he went with 4, not 5, I have no idea). Well, there is one small flaw here. How many of the thousands of Comedies that have graced the Silver Screen can compete with those Top 4 Box Office draws? Well, frankly none. Therefore using the Snook Report’s logic, there are only 4 funny people in the world. Eddie Murphy, Macaulay Culkin, Dustin Hoffman and Mel Brooks.

It seems to me that not everyone that is funny makes $400 Million at the Box Office. For instance, I think Dave is a pretty funny guy, but I know he hasn’t made a dime off his humor. I actually got paid a few times to make people laugh back in Michigan… does making $50 for 20 minutes of work make me funny? Not according to Dave. I’m still over $399 Million short.

To give everyone a frame of reference here, Dave’s favorite comedy film of all time is Arthur. You know, I have nothing against the late Dudley Moore. Arthur is in fact a nice little comedy for it’s time (1981), but to say that is one of the greatest comedies of all time is stretching it just a bit.

I did a little number investigating of my own. Arthur made $81 Million at the box office. Taking into account the year in which it was released and the other films that made over $80 Million at that time, Arthur would not have made it into the Top 25 Comedies of all time.

Looking at all the money that Dudley Moore brought in over his movie career, $364 Million, he still falls well short of the Top 4 Funniest.

Just to give you some perspective, Will Ferrell movies have made $1.7 Billion Domestically and $2.3 Billion Worldwide. Mr. Apatow as a Writer/Director/Producer came in at $1.1 Billion.

The reality of the situation is, it all comes down to personal tastes. I know tons of people love Monty Python, but it really doesn’t do it for me. I didn’t grow up watching them and never got into it. It reminds me of how in love with Star Wars a lot of people my age are. I wasn’t allowed to see movies when I was a kid, so Star Wars doesn’t hold a special place in my life like it did for others. I just saw E.T. for the first time a year ago for crying out loud, but people my age loved that movie. I don’t get it. It’s cute and all, but I missed the window for it being amazing to me.

In my opinion Dave is an “old soul” and enjoys “the good ol’ days” especially when it comes to movies & music (and everything else really). There is nothing wrong with that, but I tend to be a “young at heart” kind of a guy. I really enjoy most Pop music and edgy, youthful comedies. I’m not against the old stuff. I would say two of my all time favorite funny movies are Caddyshack & Animal House. Classics without a doubt.

The funny thing is, I don’t think of Will or Judd Apatow as comedic geniuses, but I can’t deny they are successful and make me laugh a lot. At the end of the day, you either like Will Ferrell or you don’t. You cannot prove whether or not he is funny. I think millions of people disagree with Dave on his comedic evaluation of Ferrell/Apatow, but everyone is allowed to have their own opinion… even when it’s wrong.

So on that note, I would like to let Dave that he has now been officially PWNED!

Warning: there is some bleeped out language, if that bothers you, you won’t find this funny… and that’s sad.

Keep ‘em comin’…

So the latest totally-amazing-excellent form of luring me into a new to credit card comes via my phone. Nothing new there, tele-marketers have been doing that for years. The thing that I found extra annoying is the latest version of their rotten tactics.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been receiving phone calls on my cell and home phone along with a text message… simultaneously! That’s right, the same number comes up on my cell, home phone and by text from the same fake name. One in Clarksville, Tennessee (931-801-9685 no information) and Ogden, Utah (801-645-2471 registered to Conlin Enterprises Corporation).

The great thing is you have a chance to talk with someone if you just press 1 on your phone… or so they say. My attempts to speak with a “customer service representative” were met with someone who clearly hasn’t grasped the English language, a bit of silence and a hang up.

I can’t say I’m amazed that some scam company has come up with a new way to annoy people. Do they really think I’m going to buy anything from them? Apparently, enough people have bought into their schemes or they would develop a new strategy.

I know people need to work, but you have to think about what a total crap job that is. I guess when you’re on the other end of a phone and no one can see you, it’s easier to be a part of one of the lowliest, degenerate jobs in the world.

I wonder if these are some of those amazing jobs the Government’s Stimulus Package got us…

When I was just a young lad, I used to attend Bair Lake Bible Camp. I was reminded of my times there this morning as my eyes opened because today is my birthday.

Why does Summer Camp remind me of my birthday as we sit smack dab in the middle of Winter? Because every Summer some of the lucky little children at camp – even some of the counselors and staff – had birthdays.

We would all gather in the “mess hall” for our three daily meals and at some point we would sing the camp version of “Happy Birthday,” that resembled the song you saw slaves on a ship sing while the Roman soldiers whipped them to make them row faster… the words went something like this:

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Aw-oh-oh-oh
Happy Birthday

O’ Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Aw-oh-oh-oh
Happy Birthday

One year older and…
Closer to DEATH! (everyone slaps hands on the tables!)

Happy Birthday
O’ Happy Birthday

What the heck were they teaching us at that Bible Camp?!? It was pretty funny back then, not as funny today.

So enjoy each day, because each one brings you closer to DEATH (SLAP)!

Hopefully you feel as inspired as I do…

It may not be as amazing as the Miracle on Ice in Lake Placid, NY in 1980, but last night when the Men’s US Hockey Team took on the “best team ever assembled,” Team Canada, and won, it was pretty freakin’ awesome!

I thought the match up would be bittersweet for me at first. My favorite NHL team, the Detroit Red Wings, essentially put this team together. My boyhood (adulthood too) favorite, Steve Yzerman, is the man in charge of Team Canada (the favorites to win gold) and he brought along the Red Wings General Manager, Ken Holland & the Head Coach, Mike Babcock to assemble, manage and coach Team Canada.

Once the Red Wings own Brian Rafalski scored the first goal for the US, my alliances to Stevie Y and Team Canada went out the door. As the game progressed, my National Pride kicked in more and more. I really began to hate those rotten, dirty, cheap shot artist, Canadians. There are plenty of no-good, bending the rules, Canadians to dislike on that team too…

Exhibit A, Chris Pronger. Never liked him, never will. He man-handled plenty of Red Wings in his days with the St. Louis Blues, his brief stint in Edmonton and is his dastardly days in Anaheim with the Ducks.

Then we have Ryan Getzlaff & Corey Perry from the Ducks. If watching those two knuckleheads play against your favorite team doesn’t make you understand hockey violence, nothing will. I’ve never seen two guys use their sticks and elbows more than those two goons.

I almost forgot to mention Iginla. He’s deceptively vicious. Especially when he’s losing. Poor sport, no doubt about it. I digress…

The cherry on top of the whole sundae has to be Sidney Crosby. No, he really hasn’t done anything mean or dirty (except beat my beloved Red Wings for the Stanley Cup last Spring), but the constant love-fest of this whiney but talented Canadian is enough to make me puke.

While the current batch of US players are not college kids playing against pros (like the 1980 Gold Medal Team), this group of players, aided by the outstanding play of Michigan States own, Ryan Miller in goal, are a bunch of hard working, blue-collar types… at least by NHL Superstar standards. They just flat out worked hard all game long against a far more talented team.

I’m looking forward to these final days of the Olympics in Vancouver and hoping to see another Miracle on Ice in 2010.

Wanted to put in a little plug for a friend of mine, Josh Moreno…

This young aspiring filmmaker has been filming, editing and promoting the ever-lovin’ crap out of his little internet TV show, Girls Will Be Girls, for quite a few years now. This past year he even put together an awards show…

Today I got a text from Josh letting me know that his show will be featured on the 5:00 news here in Columbus, OH (NBC 4).

Josh is just one of those guys that has something about him that makes you love him right from the first time you meet him. He deserves this and I wanted all of you to know about his NBC debut… though I’m sure he sent you a text too!

Proud of you Josh!

Whilst listening to sports talk radio from my old stomping grounds the other day, I just so happened to tune in during a rather interesting discussion.

The afternoon guys on 97.1 the Ticket, Valenti & Foster, were complaining as they usually do about the topic du jour which usually has nothing to do with sports. On this day the topic was fat people on airplanes.

Terry Foster, who used to be a frequent traveler as a sports columnist for one of the local newspapers, told all his “horror” stories of having to sick next to “fatty” on his trips around the country. Mike Valenti, the master complainer and eternal pessimist, threw out all the cliches of how fat people smell and sweat and breath heavy and generally don’t deserve to live in the same atmosphere as his large ego.

After they both had a chance to rant, they opened it up to callers. Let me just say, that sports talk radio is a haven for the grumblers, complainers and chronically crabby in Detroit (and other places I’m sure).

As the calls began to come in, there was not much tolerance for the pleasantly plump, much less the morbidly obese. People were saying that those “chunky” individuals shouldn’t even be allowed on the plane. The best thing I heard was putting a seat in the terminal before boarding and if you couldn’t fit in the seat, you couldn’t fly.

Let me just say, I’m not against being charged for two seats if I don’t fit in one. I’m okay with the reality that planes are not made for “people of size” as I once heard us referred to. To say that people that are bigger shouldn’t be allowed to fly is ridiculous. If we’re willing to pay more to fly, then there should be no reason to deny us a ride on your fancy aero-plane.

If these Airlines had any sense at all, they would cater to larger people. Instead they continually make the seats smaller and smaller. I would venture a guess and say most people are uncomfortable flying the friendly skies.

One last thing I have to say is this, I realize that being overweight is not ideal. I don’t want to be the way I am and it’s a constant struggle, but telling me that I shouldn’t be allowed to fly on a plane doesn’t motivate me to change… it just pisses me off that people actually are that stupid.

We’re people too, there’s just more of us to love.

As someone who really enjoys watching sports, I’ve officially entered one sport territory until the Fall.

Hockey has always been my first love, but over the past 10 years or so, Football has inched closer and closer to the top. It’s tough for me to admit that, because I like being different. Being an NHL fan is different, let me tell ya’. I’m definitely in the minority when it comes to the being a fan of the NHL.

At this point in the year, the Superbowl has capped off another NFL season and all the Bowl games for NCAA are long gone, so now the NHL can have my undivided attention (except for the NFL Draft… the Detroit Lion’s Superbowl).

The NHL trade deadline & the playoffs are my favorite time of the year. Once the playoffs start, there is hockey every night… oh wait, there used to be hockey every night, but the Commissioner of the NHL, Gary Bettman, toyed with that a bit to appease his hockey flagship, Versus.

So, let’s start again… the playoffs are on quite a few nights during the week on Versus. The only problem is, I have DIRECTV (which I love) and right now they’re in a bit of a squabble with Versus. Did I mention that Versus was owned by Comcast? Yes, the same Comcast that probably would like nothing more than to crush DIRECTV and continue to monopolize TV all over the US (Google it people… they own everything).

The good news is, this little tiff can’t last much longer right? I mean, they took Versus off DIRECTV in October, so they should have this whole thing worked out before the playoffs, right? I mean, Gary Bettman would obviously get these two in a room and work this out by then, I’m sure he’s already tried, right? Oh, he hasn’t? Hm, I wonder why?

Did I mention that Comcast, which owns Versus, also owns the Philadelphia Flyers of the NHL? Yup, they sure do. Gary Bettman just so happens to work for the NHL owners, all 30 of them. Maybe he doesn’t want to make his boss upset. Well, that’s just silly. There’s no way that Gary would disenfranchise all those fans that have DIRECTV just because Comcast, who owns Versus and the Philadelphia Flyers, can’t play nice.

Did I mention that Comcast now owns NBC? NBC is the only network that would even put the NHL on real tv (no offense cable/satellite providers). I’m sure NBC paid a lot of money though… wait, did I mention that they didn’t pay anything to air the NHL on NBC? Yeah, not a dime.

So, let’s see if we can figure this out. The commissioner of the NHL, Gary Bettman, has two partners that show NHL games on a national level… Versus & NBC. Comcast owns Versus & NBC. Comcast doesn’t want you to watch satellite tv, because it costs them money (plus you’ll see how amazing HD is on DIRECTV). Comcast – I mean – Versus wants more money from DIRECTV to have Versus in there channel lineup. I’m sure the negotiations went something like this…

DIRECTV: “Okay, let’s see what you have to offer us, I’m sure we can work something out.”

Versus: “We have the NHL, MMA, racing, the Bull Riding and Sports Soup.”

DIRECTV: “Wow! You guys have the UFC?!? People pay big bucks to watch that stuff. Mixed Martial Arts is really gaining in popularity.”

Versus: “Well, we actually have the WEC, kind of like the minor leagues of the UFC.”

DIRECTV: “Well, you do have NASCAR and that sport really has a great following.”

Versus: “Let me stop you right there, we actually have Indy Car Racing – but we also have cycling. We cover that Tour de France thingy too.”

DIRECTV: “Hmmmm…”

Versus: “We also have college football now!”

DIRECTV: “That sounds good, tell me more.”

Versus: “We broadcast Mountain West Conference games, like Brigham Young, Colorado State, University of New Mexico, Air Force and U of N.”

DIRECTV: “Well U of M has a big following, that might be good.”

Versus: “Nope, I said ‘N’ not ‘M’ as in the University of Nevada. Did I mention we have the NHL and Sports Soup?”

DIRECTV: “Yes, yes you did. I think we actually might be paying you too much.”

The long and the short of it is, the main people in charge of the NHL are total idiots. Not just because they have allowed Comcast to stop millions of potential viewers from watching the NHL nationally, but because they have no idea how to market and grow this game.

If I really wanted to be good at something, I would study and emulate someone who was really good at that something. When it comes to running sports leagues, there is no one who does it better than the NFL. I’m sure Gary could give Roger Goodell a ring or even send him an email and pick his brain a bit. Heck, even if he met with the marketing team or former NFL insiders, anything that could help him see how to market the game of hockey.

This whole Versus/DIRECTV is just another blunder in a long line of screw-ups that the NHL has managed to pull off for many years. They’re a distant 4th in professional sports and nobody cares about the game. Even in Hockey Meccas, like Detroit, sports talk radio stations like 97.1 the Ticket barely utter a word about hockey during their drive-time show, Valenti & Foster.

Somebody… anybody with any influence whatsoever in the NHL. Please listen to your fans. You are doing a horrible job and some, if not all of your die-hard fans just might have some good ideas for you.

Until then I’ll keep my fingers crossed that DIRECTV & Comcast can work something out before mid-April… if history is any indication, I may have to become a fan of baseball. I think I just fell asleep even thinking about that.

It’s Superbowl Sunday and you know what that means… another year of futility for Lions’ fans.

Today is the day that Lions’ fans have to choose who to root for. You’ve got the face of the NFL, Peyton Manning, going for his 2nd Superbowl win. On the other side, it’s the darlings of the media and the underdog, the New Orleans Saints.

The Saints are obviously the feel good story. They had Hurricane Katrina. It would be  great to see something nice happen to a city that was underwater just a few years ago. They need a little joy in their lives. Just an aside here, how long do they get our sympathy? Just wondering if there is a timetable. I mean Detroit has never been underwater, but they certainly could use a our sympathy.

The Colts and Peyton Manning don’t have any adversity to speak of really. Unless living in Indiana counts. They get snow, that has to count for something. Most everyone who really thinks about it believes they’ll win. Peyton makes living out of picking apart NFL defenses.

But from a Lions fan perspective, you almost always have to have an alternate favorite team to watch during the NFL season. You know that in all likelihood you’ll be watching another season where your team doesn’t make the playoffs, so you need a backup plan.

For me, after moving to Ohio I had 2 teams to choose from. The Browns and the Bengals. Ummm… they’re both notoriously bad. The Bengals had a decent year, made the playoffs and laid an egg. The Browns – well, the Browns lost to the Lions. The Lions won two games this year.

So here comes the Superbowl and you want to choose a team to cheer on. As a Lions fan do you pick the team that gives you the best chance (the Colts) or the team that used to suck and is now in the Superbowl (the Saints)?

If you choose the Colts and they win the game you can rest easy in the fact that you went with the safe choice as you enjoy the blue and white confetti fall at the end of the game. On the other hand, if you choose the Saints and they win the game, you can let that be a sign of hope for you. “If the Saints can suck all those years and win, why not the Lions? Our time is coming!” Sure Detroit didn’t have Hurricane Katrina, but they did have Kwame Kilpatrick, Monica Conyers, the Auto Industry getting kicked while they were down and the devastation of the Matt Millen Years.

So no matter what team you are a die hard fan of during the regular season, you have a choice to make today. The Colts or the Saints. The Hall of Fame bound QB or the team that really stunk up New Orleans all those years and now has a chance to make it smell less (although we haven’t even talked about the debauchery that we’ll see in that city if they win… and that’s before Mardi Gras).

I haven’t decided yet. My gut says I should go with the Saints… I’m used to going with the dark horse, the fifty to one shot. After all, I’m a Lions fan.

For the past thirty-ahem years, I’ve been living in the Midwest. Usually when you live the Midwest you experience frigid temperatures and of course, snow.

Yesterday around 10:30 a.m. or so the snow began to fall in Central Ohio. It didn’t stop until the following afternoon. And when I say it snowed, I’m not talking about that little lightly falling stuff. These were big honkin’ flakes… tons of them.

So what am I getting at? Let me state it plainly… I am done with Midwest Winters.

We moved from Michigan a little over three years ago and I had been dreaming of doing that for quite a while. I wanted to get out of that cold, dark Winter. So where does God open the door to, Ohio. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Not only do we only move about three hours South, but we end up in the land of scarlet & gray nuts… Buckeye Country. Thankfully we love the people in our lives here… I did pick one of the worst times in history to live in Ohio and be a Michigan fan though – another blog for another day.

The Winters here are milder than Detroit, believe it or not. It really is a few degrees warmer than the Motor City. All that said, I still hate the Winter. It still cold and dark here. The snow is very similar to the snow in Michigan… cold, white and slippery.

To add insult to injury, this little snow storm also stuck to my DIRECTV dish… spare me the cable doesn’t go out in the snow and rain talk. FYI, if you’ve had DIRECTV and switched to cable, tell me about how that HD picture looks… I digress, back to the snow on the dish.

I had to make a little contraption out of two broom handles tied together with duct tape and swish the slightly slushy snow off my dish so I could watch my pathetic Red Wings blow another three goal lead and lose to the Los Angeles Kings!!!

Sorry… I am also a passionate hockey fan. Could it get worse? I like a sport that is just a little more popular than professional soccer. At least saying professional soccer makes me laugh a little.

Back to the snow…

I’m also an avid Twitter user and today I got to see some picks from a friend of mine from Michigan who is currently enjoying the wonderfully sunny coast of California. It’s like insult to injury. I desperately want to live somewhere where I can enjoy a little sunshine and winters with temps in the low 60’s… is that too much to ask?

Let me come full circle on this little rant. I know that I shouldn’t be complaining… I’m not perfect. But as I sat down to write this, a line from a Chris Tomlin song rolled through my head:

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Every time I hear or sing the line of that song, I get emotional. It reminds me of how beautiful the snow is. It makes me think about God, my Father, and Jesus, my Savior, sitting in heaven and allowing us to catch a glimpse of Their beauty… even if it is a little too cold.

All that being said, thank God He created some warm places for us to visit. Maybe someday I could even live in one of them for a while.

From my mouth to God’s ears…